I LOVE YOU,I WANT YOU,I MISS YOU, were words i loved to hear each time i would see a text from him,i would wish that those were the words each time i was lucky enough to get that text.
From morning to evening we would talk to each other,where i ended up.sharing more than he did.I told him secrets i thought id go to the grave with,hoping he would love miss and want me.
Two years down the line,i wasted my time with HOPES of being loved wanted and missed,realizing Oops he was a Non~comitter kinda guy.He never loved wanted nor missed me.He was only good with Words!
Enough about him,I realized i was the one who wanted him so bad to love and miss me,not paying attention to all the ‘red~flags’.Blinded too deep to realize the fact that he did not know Christ,did not push me towards Him at all,but made me feel ashamed for loving Him,embarrased to even wanting that relationship,
But yet i wanted wanted him so bad because he would murder my loneliness,by keeping me company throughtout the night conversing more of flirting,as i foolishy thought” i was creating a connection,right~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WRONG!!
I foolishly thought excuses like he gets me, laughs at my not so funny jokes,,blinded me so from his heart so far from Christ.
I remember i would pray to God”Lord please let him ask me out just once”I hated Him because he never did even once(fyi i thank Him today)I would beg this guy to come see me and he would show up after months.Sad but true,all that time i was STILL convinced that it was him,the one for me,i was in love,not realizing,with the WRONG ONE.
Definately with time it started to hurt because of the realization that he did not want nor love me.I remember writing paragraphs and paragraphs of how i wanted him in my diary and i thought what the heck!this was not working,i decided to text him and tell him i love you, i want you, i miss you.
Just in case you are wondering those texts are yet to be answered.I figured,may be he never got them,i sent them again and yeah never answered.It was all clear to me that he did not want,love nor did he miss me.
This broke and humiliated me,,REJECTION :(,It cut deeper than anything i had ever experienced my entire life
How could he not want me,love me nor miss me?Was i not interesting enough preety enough or skinny enough??I asked myself constantly.That pillow only knew wet days from that time,i would re~read our conversations and wonder,what did i say?What did i do?
It took a while,searching for answers,,,then i figured,it was not this guy,,,It was me and my unsatisfied heart,*i still called myself a christian*yet i desired and idolized a man who did not even want Him,who did not realize the emptiness without Him or how broken he is.I was against Christs will because i was blinded with my own desires of a tall good looking lad.I remember taking up scripture in the book of Peter,twisting it to suit my evil desires,this guy was an addiction.Scripture like “do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever “were cut ,shreddedout of my bible.I tried “moving on with another random” but still nothing could satisfy this heart,no man could.I still wet my pillow with tears and was sad.I ran back to my MAKER!! and asked Him,what is this hole,this longing that no one can fill??He told me to rest and STOP searching!I asked Him to please LOVE ME,please WANT ME and thank you for MISSING ME.He sure did and does love me. 🙂
Trust God with your heart!He desires to love you,Because He already does,He is not scared for you to know it and live it!!Love you!! :).