I think it is really important to ask oneself this question and just try not to front. The greatest lies we tell are those we tell ourselves. Trying to hide from what is really going on with us. Sometimes the answer to this question may not be appealing at all, but on the contrary betrays the perfect little smiles on our faces and it is only easier not to answer it. But change, healing and growth starts from the courageous effort of accepting where we are and soldiering on from there.
How am I doing?
Well, generally the past few months have not really been the easiest. I think I have been most worried, scared and probably exhausted. I have had to deal with people, questions and situations that are completely new to me. These past few months kind of shadowed and gave me a heads up on what I will probably have to deal with in the future. And you know what? It is perfectly okay because I will deal with it better than I did this time. Then let’s get into it,
Eeerm, I am going to be really honest on this one. This status kind of started to bug me. Like it had been too long since I even liked, had a crush or even found anyone interesting. I felt like I needed someone to get sprung about. To think about and wonder what they were up to .I mean it has been long and I might forget how relationships work or’ lose my mojo’. So I foolishly thought. This thing would seriously get me thinking and on bad days frustrated.
Then the questions started to stream in. So how long are you planning on being single? “So you are not into dating anymore?” ‘Who is your special guy?’ One of my ex’s even reached out apologising heartily thinking that he was the one who “broke me” to an extent that I do not want to date anyone. I tell you,I never knew I was this single until all this started to happen. So what naturally followed was me asking myself these same questions and wondering what really could be the issue and this made me feel super inadequate and honestly really sad. I stopped spending much time with God because these thoughts that I had allowed in my heart were not the same thoughts that God had. He had a totally different message and questions for me. Emotions are also super crazy because they even lie to you that it is okay to feel the way that you do, when it is very clear that those seeds were not planted by God.
I understood that it was only natural for those questions to be asked and no wrong was done. It is part of the process. Not everybody will understand. What was wrong was me allowing them to mess with my head, emotions and eventually my actions.
As days went by,I was reminded of a blog that I did about my single life and I remember reading it and just crying because I felt like I was not being true to it. How I felt reading it then was not how I felt writing it .I slept on it. But this blog reminded me why I was single. It erased all those questions, assumptions and doubts that I had. My own blog post ministered to me and grounded me. Reminded me why I do life the way I do.
I realized just how much I had grown. My standards and expectations had grown. I now knew, I know what I want in a man and in a relationship. And don’t get me wrong, am not talking about tall dark and handsome or tall light and handsome(in my case) but something deeper than looks.(Love for God, Character, Vision, Integrity e.t.c) Because I know what I do not want, I clearly know what I want, need and can easily spot it. I know I do not need no drama in my life (flips hair lol) because of dating a guy for convenience.-To shut my friends, family and foes,
(Baring in mind that some will just not shut up no matter what I will and will not do)to fit in or pretend how happy I am. I see drama, I run! Because I have been down that road before and it does not lead to life or fulfilment but pain that was good enough for me not to go back. Relationships are not for convenience. If you are doing it right, it has purpose behind it .It has a WHY? And the answer should be good enough to take it to the next level. So we can all keep calm, because you know what when that time comes, I will know that that season has begun and trust me ya’’ll will definitely be kept in the loop! Will leave nobody out lol!
I really did not pass this test with what I would call flying colours, but I learnt a lot, grown a lot and hopeful that I will do better on the next one. I now have peace in my heart that He has me, He is in full control and He has the PERFECT timing. All I have to do is keep my eyes fixated on Him and eternity. Hope this post encourages you wherever it is that you are. Stay tuned for an interesting ,open, no-fronting post on my internship experience ‘workplacethings’.God bless. Love ya’ll!!!!!!!!!
But seek FIRST His KINGDOM (Not that cute guy|girl! yeah you know him|her *wink*) and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Please make a point of watching a sermon by Sarah Jakes on you tube “when winter becomes home”.
Ok. Bye now.