DO NOT KILL ME BEFORE MY DEATH.

A blog post I was recently reading read, ‘The best way to keep writing is to keep writing.’ No matter how stupid it may look or feel. It also reminded me of the inner heckling that I will experience. Thoughts of it not being good enough or it will not speak to anybody. How vulnerable and revealing it may be. Reminded me of the statement “If I have to write I have to accept.” I have to look deep into the eyes of my troubles and struggles and decide whether I will deal with it or if they are going to crush me. I have to speak to my fears or have them speak to me. Depends on who will be loudest.

It will need me to break the walls that darken my circle. That lie to me that I do not need to face any of them. It will need me to grow and heal. Writing is and has been my release for a long time. The twists and turns that I feel in my heart. The knots of saliva that choke me. The rush in my spine and the rumbling deep within me expressed in word. My problems and issues. That I tell but cannot fully express. Are better written down. Crashed hopes and desires. Excitement and joy. Habits lost and habits acquired. To survive and separate myself from myself. Ink speaks better.

I would have loved to directly share the commonly wise words that presumably I do. But I do not have .My hands are empty and all I have is experience. A life lived. Truths proven. No theory. A path taken and unsure if it’s the right one. It’s easy to tell someone who they are. But it’s hard to really find who you are. That journey just begins whether you are prepared or not. You would wish for a check list to make sure you carry all you need but you realize that no matter how prepared you are, you still need to deal with yourself. The only part of the checklist that you didn’t realize you had to check.

Silence can be interpreted as “something brewing’’ we think we know what is brewing in a person’s mind or life. It may not be what we expect and that’s the beauty. Not knowing. Blind-sided. Giving us the greatest opportunity to feel, learn and see. My words may not make much sense to your situation because may be there is no predicament and this read may be a waste of time. I hope you enjoy other parts to it though. But even in its vagueness, if you get to think about your life then I am pleased.

“Do not kill me before my death”, a Whats App status that freaked most of my friends but a statement my lecturer uses so many times to motivate us in my literature class. A statement that made my students gawk at me weirdly and pay attention, is also one that I think about lately and try to deconstruct. I felt like “it and they” were trying to kill me. To kill my spirit, hopes and desires. I too was holding the knife and cheering them on. Talk and thoughts of me not deserving .Fingers pointing that I may not be enough. Always being the short one in the room. Short of ambition, love and, peace. Short of the best. I realize cannot allow myself to be dead and alive. If I am going to live then I need to be alive. So many are walking but are corpses inside. As much as they spray so much daisy smelling fragrances on themselves, they cannot help but reek of lifelessness. As a matter of fact, their only means of survival is killing anything around them that has life. I need us to be alive because we kill those around us if we die.

Somebody killed my students. He made sure that their hopes are gone. Made sure that they felt like nothing and are nothing. He always reminded them of what they are not and never mentioned who they are. Utter cruelty! One of them wondered whether I am going to a very high-end office judging by the way I dressed. He was convinced that I couldn’t possibly be meeting with probably my most important client. HIM. We have witnessed probably the hardest task for a doctor and that is trying to resuscitate life. The fact that he struggles to bring back life but surely knows deep within that it’s really not up to him .That’s how it feels trying to whisper life knowing full well that no matter how hard you try it really isn’t up to you. BUT YOU STILL DO.

“Do not let them kill you”! Them is you too. You decide! Do not allow nasty comments, rumors and gossip kill you .Do not kill yourself with those thoughts that constantly try to win a battle you know you already won. Your voice needs to be the loudest. Do not let a relationship kill your worth and will. To kill the fact that you deserve to be loved. The best! Do not let procrastination kill you from starting. Failure keep you from pursuing. Massage and soothe  that part that hurts. Apply something to It. Something that will help it heal. Words of encouragement or the Bible. As you please. Because it will hurt! But you need to heal and move on. We always forget that it really does not have to hurt forever. You might just die if you let it. But we do not have to die even if we can look at the sharpest of swords pass through our hearts. We have been given a life to live and until that last breathe you owe this earth and the people around you your breathe. Just as it gave life to you, use it to give life.
Signed,
Msdorsila.

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