DO NOT KILL ME BEFORE MY DEATH.

A blog post I was recently reading read, ‘The best way to keep writing is to keep writing.’ No matter how stupid it may look or feel. It also reminded me of the inner heckling that I will experience. Thoughts of it not being good enough or it will not speak to anybody. How vulnerable and revealing it may be. Reminded me of the statement “If I have to write I have to accept.” I have to look deep into the eyes of my troubles and struggles and decide whether I will deal with it or if they are going to crush me. I have to speak to my fears or have them speak to me. Depends on who will be loudest.

It will need me to break the walls that darken my circle. That lie to me that I do not need to face any of them. It will need me to grow and heal. Writing is and has been my release for a long time. The twists and turns that I feel in my heart. The knots of saliva that choke me. The rush in my spine and the rumbling deep within me expressed in word. My problems and issues. That I tell but cannot fully express. Are better written down. Crashed hopes and desires. Excitement and joy. Habits lost and habits acquired. To survive and separate myself from myself. Ink speaks better.

I would have loved to directly share the commonly wise words that presumably I do. But I do not have .My hands are empty and all I have is experience. A life lived. Truths proven. No theory. A path taken and unsure if it’s the right one. It’s easy to tell someone who they are. But it’s hard to really find who you are. That journey just begins whether you are prepared or not. You would wish for a check list to make sure you carry all you need but you realize that no matter how prepared you are, you still need to deal with yourself. The only part of the checklist that you didn’t realize you had to check.

Silence can be interpreted as “something brewing’’ we think we know what is brewing in a person’s mind or life. It may not be what we expect and that’s the beauty. Not knowing. Blind-sided. Giving us the greatest opportunity to feel, learn and see. My words may not make much sense to your situation because may be there is no predicament and this read may be a waste of time. I hope you enjoy other parts to it though. But even in its vagueness, if you get to think about your life then I am pleased.

“Do not kill me before my death”, a Whats App status that freaked most of my friends but a statement my lecturer uses so many times to motivate us in my literature class. A statement that made my students gawk at me weirdly and pay attention, is also one that I think about lately and try to deconstruct. I felt like “it and they” were trying to kill me. To kill my spirit, hopes and desires. I too was holding the knife and cheering them on. Talk and thoughts of me not deserving .Fingers pointing that I may not be enough. Always being the short one in the room. Short of ambition, love and, peace. Short of the best. I realize cannot allow myself to be dead and alive. If I am going to live then I need to be alive. So many are walking but are corpses inside. As much as they spray so much daisy smelling fragrances on themselves, they cannot help but reek of lifelessness. As a matter of fact, their only means of survival is killing anything around them that has life. I need us to be alive because we kill those around us if we die.

Somebody killed my students. He made sure that their hopes are gone. Made sure that they felt like nothing and are nothing. He always reminded them of what they are not and never mentioned who they are. Utter cruelty! One of them wondered whether I am going to a very high-end office judging by the way I dressed. He was convinced that I couldn’t possibly be meeting with probably my most important client. HIM. We have witnessed probably the hardest task for a doctor and that is trying to resuscitate life. The fact that he struggles to bring back life but surely knows deep within that it’s really not up to him .That’s how it feels trying to whisper life knowing full well that no matter how hard you try it really isn’t up to you. BUT YOU STILL DO.

“Do not let them kill you”! Them is you too. You decide! Do not allow nasty comments, rumors and gossip kill you .Do not kill yourself with those thoughts that constantly try to win a battle you know you already won. Your voice needs to be the loudest. Do not let a relationship kill your worth and will. To kill the fact that you deserve to be loved. The best! Do not let procrastination kill you from starting. Failure keep you from pursuing. Massage and soothe  that part that hurts. Apply something to It. Something that will help it heal. Words of encouragement or the Bible. As you please. Because it will hurt! But you need to heal and move on. We always forget that it really does not have to hurt forever. You might just die if you let it. But we do not have to die even if we can look at the sharpest of swords pass through our hearts. We have been given a life to live and until that last breathe you owe this earth and the people around you your breathe. Just as it gave life to you, use it to give life.
Signed,
Msdorsila.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DATE AND BE CHRISTIAN.

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Or vice versa, I don’ t know how to be Christian and be dateable. It’s hard and I get it! For most Christians there exists the assumption that one can automatically thrive in the dating world, which is completely unrealistic because most single Christians are really avoiding the dating world. In explaining this “avoidance” of dating, well, some may call it waiting for the right person or the right one or my rib, or my Adam or Eve. I am totally for this don’t get me wrong, but the reality of the issue is that for the most part Adam or Eve don’t come with a placard on their foreheads suggesting that they are the one for you. (Wish they did though lol!). And even if they did,it really does not make it any easier.Most of the time they approach you with a handshake, a smile or a conversation. Something that will require you to dig deeper than how loud they sing at a church service. In my opinion, these are things I think everyone (dating or not dating) should keep in mind;

A) DATING IS NOT A SIN
A cup of coffee, a walk or even an ice cream date really does not count as sin. It took me a long time to actually get this into my head and just say yes to that coffee. It would be ignorant of me to claim that I would start any relationship at a courtship stage. I believe everything has momentum and takes time to build and reach certain levels. But WHAT goes on during these dates really is what counts as sin or not. I know it may sound damn, but I used to even struggle with the simplest thing such as admitting I liked someone. I used to feel so judged. lol! Being Christian does not mean boring and blurry, or having no idea of what you like or don’t like in the opposite sex other than them being believers. It’s okay to be attracted and can I go ahead and say that it is only natural?
b) YOU ARE LITERALLY WRITING YOUR OWN LOVE STORY.
Or stories depending on how many people you end up dating in your life. Let’s be real. (I would love to tell you that the only person you’ll date is your husband BUT.)So stop reading everyone else’s love stories and trying to manipulate and sabotaging your own love story. Yees, I know you admire whoever it is you look up to relationship wise, but honestly you can’t have her husband or wife. For the single ladies, you end up missing an opportunity of meeting and hitting it off with a great guy because you are waiting for your mentors’ husband and not your own. Your best friend might meet his or her partner when they are 40,you might meet yours in your early or late twenties. Every story is different, accept yours, love yourself and nurture it.

c) CHARACTER VS SCRIPTURE MEMORY.
With the “unequally yoked memory verse in mind” I am all for choosing whoever you decide to date wisely. He may be the loudest in church but reality is, you will not be talking scripture all day. Does his character match his beliefs and proclamations? Do they treat you right? How does he/she treat the waiter when out on a date? Do they apologise when wrong? In my opinion, character will speak loudest to my heart. I have seen a relationship(dear to me) whereby she got married to “a man of God” who even spoke in tongues and five years down the marriage he had battered her, had no job (ever) and added no value to her life because all she looked for was a man who can pray. God-fearing quality is on top of the list but it’s not all that should be on your list. Let it be number one though! Ask the right questions and observe the better qualities in a person other than how they make you feel and decide what you think or know you can live with.Be bold and brave,that way you save time.Let character speak louder.

D) ITS NOT GOING TO BE PERFECT.
Whoa! This was a hard one. Thinking that we are all Christians and we all go to church you would imagine a smooth sailing date, relationship or whatever else. Then you put yourself out there (finally) and the worship leader breaks your heart. I mean hallo!!!!! you are dating a human being. Just because you waited until you are 28 to date somebody because of your convictions (good or bad) does not mean that it is going to be perfect. It does not mean that you will not get into arguments and fights. Your waiting does not mean you will meet a mini-god and there won’t be mistakes along the way. There is a danger in focusing on only a single story of a person, a place or basically anything(CHIMAMANDA ADICHIE). There are good days and bad days, I bet we all know that. So when and if you decide to date, remember to be human and that way you will remember that the other person is human too. Do not focus only on the sad and depressing stories, instead bask all the more in the glory of the good days that were and the ones you are hopeful for.
E) Loosing yourself.
You think you are confident until you start dating someone, then you start hiding who you really are. Because you like him so much. You want to have a matching taste in everything with this other human being. HAHA! Let me pull a sit for yah! Listen up, before you started to get to know this person, I mean you had your own set of beliefs and lifestyle and what not. These things have lasted way longer than the length of time you have known this person so do not be in such a hurry to assume that YOU aren’t cool enough. This person liked you not because you are so alike but because you are different. Share yourself and do not hide. Be confident in who you are no matter how twisted. Change if and when you want to, especially if it’s for the better.
This is not in any way professional dating or relationship advice, trust me, I do not know much lol. Just things am learning through the journey and detours of life. Thanks for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts, criticisms and whatever you feel like! Hope you like the new feel to the blog!

Signed,

Msdorsila….

Earth-Moving!Kingdom-Toppling!Life-Giving! #SetApartFor2

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  • On my previous post I highlighted the fact that God knows you, chose you and set you apart for something great. That your limitations can never be your inclination but the word of God. That what He told you and impressed on your heart should be your go to in those hard moments.
    I am excited to share this second part of the #SetApartFor series. To start this off, take a minute and reflect on what God has impressed on your heart. Sometimes we really do not see beyond what God has called, chosen, told or asked us to do. I am excited about what God told Jeremiah.
    “See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant. ‘(Jer 1:10)
    Whatever it is that God has called us to do most times involves uprooting and tearing down. This could be uprooting and tearing down worldly mind sets and “ways of this world”. Uprooting and tearing down poverty and hopelessness. Uprooting and tearing down bad governance and corruption. Uprooting and tearing down sin that easily entangles. Our calling involves destroying and overthrowing the works of the enemy in our lives and of those around us. We are then called to build and plant so that the land that was not bearing any fruit can have a chance at producing useful harvest. We are called to inspire, transform, and re-establish. In whatever field that God may have put us in, we are called to uproot, teardown, to destroy and to overthrow and most importantly to build and plant. It does not say tearing down and destroying people. We need to be careful about that. This verse really just opened the scope of the weight of the callings that God has placed in our lives. How extraordinary is the calling of God over our lives?
    “Jeremiah’s ministry is earth- moving, kingdom -toppling and life-giving”. Andrew Knowles
    All this sounds really good on paper, but on the ground it can be real tough. Discouragements from situations, friends, and family can steer us away. Fear can cripple us to the extent that we never step out at all. Patronizing thoughts like “Who am I to carry this message?” gets the best of us. Our slight attempt to step out does not get the response we desire.
    But we do not realize;
    1. Not many people will identify with your purpose. They will wear many faces. You are reaching out to a world with so much pain, a world accustomed to “its ways” that no one wants to change or get over their dysfunction.
    2.  Our purpose has nothing to do with us other than the part we have to play. It can never be for your glory but His, therefore it can never be about your competence BUT His. It has nothing to do with who you are but who He is.
    3.  God is WATCHING. He is ALERT and on STAND BY no matter how much time elapses. He will perform it. Sometimes it takes longer than we anticipate and we give up, just remember He is watching .You are not alone.
    4. We cannot sit doing nothing. God told Jeremiah to GET HIMSELF READY! We need to prepare. How do you need to prepare for that which you have been called to?(reading books, researching, voice training, living a pure life, studying the Bible, saying bye to your old friends, getting rid of that “limitation mentality”)We need to do WHATEVER to get ready. Preparation requires courage and therefore we need to trust God through the process. We cannot risk preparing without trusting the source.
    5. We can never be strong and guarded in purpose without God. Life is meaningless without God. What we may know to be our purpose lacks meaning and power (the earth moving and life giving kind) if it lacks God. Purpose is tied up, around and in God. If God is not in it, it is not PURPOSE. God promised to guard and protect Jeremiah because it was His business that he was undertaking. God promises the same thing to me and you.

We seek God for who He is. We did not choose Him. He chose us. It’s a privilege that we get to serve God at whatever capacity. It’s a privilege to share Him, His love and all that He is. It’s a privilege to know that He is willing to use us let alone being vessels of His love and change. Therefore we do not take pride in ourselves but boast of who He is. We therefore resist the temptation of taking the calling of God over our lives lightly. I pray that you get sensitive to that call daily and you answer immediately. I pray that you may see the bigger picture. God bless you as we take our eyes off ourselves and fix them on Christ as He births desires in our heart for our generation and generations to come. Thank you for reading and sharing as I prepare for #SetApartFor series part 3! Which I promise is going to be better than the last. Can’t wait to share.
Love you all!

“Set Apart For”

When was the last time you were passionate about something that wasn’t food that you are currently eating, or a soap opera you are watching? The last time you were so passionate about something that totally had nothing to do with you but someone else that really needed your help, voice and attention?
I trust and believe that we are on this earth for a cause! We are not here for ourselves, to play a game of who can stay alive longer or who wore life better. We don’t ask kids what they are passionate about when choosing their courses, we steer them to careers that are deemed prestigious in society. And pray to God (if we remember) that they get the passion along the way. We would go to the extent of laughing at a child for having a dream, a cause and being passionate about something that is not popular. I love education! I believe education and passion produce best results. Life changing results.
So I met this guy, Jeremiah, as I was flipping through the Bible. His story is what I call a confirmation story. He was young when I met him. lol. A child to be precise. He has an encounter with GOD. The first thing God says to Jeremiah is I KNOW YOU.I knew you even before your mother knew you. This got me thinking. Why did God tell him that if it was so obvious to Jeremiah that God knew Him? I think Jeremiah felt insignificant, one amongst billions and God couldn’t possibly know him let alone choose him. And we feel like that most times. How could God know me? He couldn’t! I just come from a descent regular family. Heck! I don’t even go to church.
The plot gets thicker and God tells him that he set him apart for purpose on this earth and Jeremiah is like, ‘Yo! Am like 17yrs old, what are you talking about? He voices a limitation that he thought he had. God immediately commands him to stop voicing his limitation to him. I mean God knew him before a womb knew him and he thinks God does not know that he is only a child? I resonated with this. God calls you and gives you a dream, a calling, a purpose, an inclination and you jump to, ‘I am not of age, I am not ready, wait I get me some qualifications, let me make some money first, I don’t know how to tell my parents coz I will look crazy’. I am sure all these thoughts were going through Jeremiah’s head too. I mean he was just a young guy who had probably set himself apart for other things he thought important. The things you set yourself apart for are not even half as great in comparison to what God has set you apart for. What has God set you apart for? For He surely has.
The next thing God said was ‘Look here child, I have a message and people that are going to need that message and only you can carry it and deliver.’ Am sure it hit Jeremiah that it was not about him. His calling and purpose has everything to do with people and a message that God had entrusted him with. This world lies to us that only the grown, qualified, rich and those that appear to be living it up can change this world. That only they can carry a message. God is telling me and you, that there is a message and a people he is sending us to, wherever we are and at whatever capacity. He is saying ‘it is not about you.’ It’s never about the messenger. Our obedience is linked to so many people.
After Jeremiah knew he had a message that he had to deliver and it involved people, he got a bit scared. He probably did not like where the conversation was going. He probably thought of how people treated the last prophet who dared to even say he was called. He thought of how people can be cruel and unresponsive. How everyone has an opinion. This we see by what God says to him next. ‘Do not be afraid of them for I am with you Snapshot_20150424_163148 When God reveals your purpose, destiny, or passion, He does not promise that it’s going to be easy and everyone will be happy with what you are doing. He promises to be with you and rescue you. He knows you cannot do it on your own strength. Let us not live in the bondage of people when God has already promised His presence, approved of you and the message you are carrying.
God knows you, is aware of what you think is a limitation and is sending you anyways to someone and not empty handed but with a message. You need to be close enough to hear that message. Sensitive enough to hear that call and purpose. To know His passion so that it can be your passion. For God goes hard for us. He does not relent. He is passionate and we are made in His image. I pray that this blog series draws you more to God and your true self, the one God breathed life into. Love you all.

“The No Sex Til Am Married Banner”

goooood photo2SEX! SEX! SEX! May be I shouldn’t even leave that there because I am Christian, and Christians do not think or talk about that. Especially single unmarried ones, like me. Well, I will take one for the team and be the “weird” one and really just talk about it after giving it much thought.
The past couple of months have been super weird for me. Being in my final year in school, people tend to put this “pressure” that never really existed during my freshman year. Am going to be really honest, not to throw shade on anyone, but to keep it 100%.Most of my peers are living with their significant others that they are dating, others are having kids (out of wedlock), some are just popping too many morning pills and buying lots of condoms and its really no big deal, at least to them. It happens so casually that sometimes it’s easy to think the same way NO BIG DEAL.

So here I am, making an entourage with a banner “NO SEX TIL AM MARRIED” And yes! That murdered my ‘street cred’ immediately. Weird, miss goody two shoes and can’t wait to see how long that will last looks are pretty much all I get. I have heard many people saying that it is no big deal. Most wo|men nowadays approach wo|men upfront for sex because it has reached a point whereby it means nothing or so little. It’s more like “I feel it, you feel it….let’s get into it…. and if it’s really good, we might exchange names and more information about each other”. Well, I think, just because you feel it, it doesn’t justify you’re doing it. To me the #90 day rule does not even exist,  let’s try the #we are not married yet rule. It does not matter how in love we feel, or how meant to be we are. There is a time under the sun for everything and before marriage is not the time for sex. But this is the thing, it is super easy to agree with this world if all you do is feed your spirit with it. In Philippians 2:5 “Your attitude should be like that of Christ”. The key words there are attitude and Jesus Christ. Attitude in other words implies disposition. My disposition towards life and issues of life should be like those of Christ. My thoughts on sex which translates into my actions should like those of Christ and what the Bible teaches. Not on what I watch on real house wives, Scandal, basically TV or what my friends say and everyone around me seems to be believing or doing.Snapshot_20141211_29
Do I want to have sex? YES! Is it a struggle? You have no idea how much. I get to meet great guys that I like and would love to date, but their belief on pre-marital sex is one of the areas where I base my deal breakers. How can two walk together if they don’t agree, has never made so much sense. I am not saying that we will not be attracted to the opposite sex and all that good stuff, but even in that attraction we should be able to talk about boundaries and be more deliberate in making them effective. Of course, this would work best if one is serious and considering a long term relationship i.e. marriage and not a convenient short term thing that would be later framed as “We dated for a minute”. #DatingWithPurpose
YES! I do agree that it is not always that these boundaries are going to work or we may not have those moments of weakness. But we need to remember that that does not justify our swimming in the sin of pre-marital sex. I call it sin because the Bible does and you should as well and not because I want to be called ‘holier than thou” because you would be guilty of telling a lie. Sex is an intimate special connection that should be made with only one person in one context and that is marriage. Sounds old school? Right? But don’t let this pop-culture generation fool you. So are you on his bed and he hasn’t put a ring on it ,it does not matter how much he/she loves you or how long you have lived together or known each other. God still sees it as sin.
I realized that one of the triggers for the times I found myself compromising in this area was the types of conversations I was having with my friends. You know us girls the way we subconsciously dig deep into the nitty-gritties of every situation, and when I say every, I mean every situation .Of course this is awesome when ya’ll are talking scripture. Then I came across this verse 2nd Timothy 2:16 “Avoid Godless chatter because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly”. I realized I cannot be discussing how it felt (not spiritually) kissing whoever and how his body felt and am that girl trying to be celibate. Who am I fooling? Of course the next time we’ll be talking I’d want to be the one dishing the juicy story. The more I indulge in ungodly chatter, the more Godly principles will slip through my fingers. Amen to more discipline on this area!!!!
I STILL lift that banner up high on good  and  bad days. I trust and hold on to God so that I keep myself for that connection with one person and to most importantly honour Him in that way.

If you are out there and was almost losing hope and succumbing to the pressure, well you are not alone. Virgin or not. Keep your head up and stand your ground. If you are having pre-marital sex, well, I pray you re-consider. It all starts with making a choice and then being deliberate in making the choices come alive and be more effective. All in all the Grace of God is sufficient and I pray HE convicts our hearts even more concerning this topic. Love you all! Don’t forget to share your thoughts.

It Gets Hard & Its Okay.

collage7I have always kept it 100% on my blogs. I do not see why I should not at this point in my life. I remember at the beginning of the year, everyone seemed to have a plan, a direction, a starting point and all I had was fear in my heart. Fear of the unknown. I did not even want to have resolutions, but I still wrote one…LUCKILY. I had lost hope. My dreams seemed too big that I did not even want to write them down, they scared me. I felt like the process was taking too long and I did not want 2015 to be a replica of 2014.Not that 2014 was not great and what I would call successful, but I felt like I just wanted the next year to make more sense and meaning and I was scared of (What if it does not?)
January, February and March have been the most adventurous, hardest, craziest, and busiest months of my life. There are days that I felt lost. Days that I felt like I was not cut out for what I believe I should be doing with my life. As last year was ending I really felt misunderstood. I realized that people will expect so much from you and when you actually live up to that expectation knowingly or unknowingly, those same people will be the first to criticize and misunderstand you. People will tell you to be more and want more but still judge you if you actually do. I realized that I can’t live up to what people expect me to be or live a kind of life that they expected me to live. And I realized that I probably struggle with #peoplebondage. It should not matter if they are giving me a standing ovation or boo-ing me off the stage, detours1 because it’s my stage, my story and I author it.
I am accountable to God first and am not going to front, it has been a struggle. My relationship with Him is at that place where I feel like “It’s hard”. Pressing in is hard. Sometimes I feel like ignoring the need to press on is way easier and simpler than pressing in. Then I realized that this walk and this life is a journey and this season is and was bound to happen. I just do not want to get lost in it and get too comfortable. I want and need to rise above it and come out stronger and better. It should be worth it. At times I do not like that I have this blog, because now I cannot hide these things, feelings and parts of my life. But I also thank God because it helps me not to get lost. I am just a lady, growing up and living through the dynamics of life. I would have loved it to go all perfect and not to have moments where I am feeling low and questioning everything and all. But then it would not be called life and we would not see the power of Christ, His restoring power. The CONSTANT REMINDER THAT I AM HIS AND HE DIED FOR ME ON THAT CROSS. The fact that He had every chance to back down but HE DID’NT. So who am I to give up and I have not gone through half the things He went through. This test is more like BUCKLE UP Dee,its about to get bumpy BUT He got me.#ItIsFinished I love God and I really desire to grow beyond where I am, in Him. It would definitely require some more effort on my side because He never left. I have learnt a lot about myself though and will be sharing some more. I do know that I am not the only one who has been or has ever felt this way or gone through such a season, and that encourages me, the thought that I am not alone and you are definitely not alone too.#GettingBackToOurFirstLove #LetsGetIt

“HIM vs him”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                           With the little ‘relationship knowledge’ that I have and the blog1possibilities that the New Year holds, it would be sad if I did things the same way. So cheers for setting myself up for success. As I normally say “Prepare yourself for the best and when the worst happens trust God to carry you through.” I find this releasing me from the pressure of worrying and helping me prepare wholeheartedly for the bestcloser to Godladieschastity. In the past ‘him’ always won. He won even before he tried winning me over. I would give him the medal even before he finished the race. He was everything to me even before giving me everything, that he never saw the point of giving anything. Well my fault I guess. But this girl isn’t about that anymore.
I stopped chasing ‘hims’ and started chasing HIM. And it is and has been a very sweet, amazing and fulfilling journey. Of course each day is different but worthwhile. It has not been perfect but a girl can try. I fall, but I get back up and put effort. Not effort for perfection, that’s His job, but effort to get closer to HIM.
Why HIM? Because He is God and gave me everything even before I knew I needed it. Because He loved me first. Because He can never come second place. Because He always wins. Because He never stops giving. Because He should never be in such a battle. Because He created him.
Most if not all ladies have this battle because sometimes we love him or the idea of him so much. But we need to release men from the pressure of wanting them to be everything because they simply can’t be and it’s awesome that they can’t. It gives us the opportunity to seek and want our EVERYTHING….HIM. Am not trying to romanticize God because He does not need me to. But that love!!!!!(Whew!)So when push comes to shove and I have to choose HIM or him, well ya”ll know my choice already. I will not make it a battle. HIM remains. I hope He remains for you too.Happy New Year! Love ya’ll for checking out this post.xoxo.

How Far Is Too Far?

randomness2 I apologisethat this post is not about how far we can possibly go physically with our boyfriends(lol) and all that but on the contrary it is about how far we can we go  from God for Him to stop pursuing us, wanting us and loving us. It’s about:
How far do you think you have gone away from Him?
How far is too far for Him to reach you?
How far is too far for Him to touch you and heal you?
How far is too far for you?
Because there is no TOO FAR with Him. I feel it so deeply in my heart that some of us are busy punishing ourselves because of the things that we did, continuously do and are about to do. We have put this wall between ourselves and God because we are convinced that He wants nothing to do with us because we think we have gone too far. We have messed up too much. We said we would stop but we didn’t. We knew it was wrong but we still went ahead and did it .We feel filthy and want to bask in the guilt and the pain that it brought us because we believe that in some way we are punishing ourselves in order not to repeat it again, but we feel so discouraged because we still go ahead and do the very thing that we said we would not do.
I don’t know what you have been up to. I don’t know if you had sex before marriage and got pregnant or not and you beat yourself up about it constantly and you have this voice that says to you God would never use you or want you because every other person has seen your sin. I do not know if you sleep around and the only voice you hear is…You are worth nothing and God cannot use a person like you so you crawl back to that guy’s bed because that is where that voice quietens. I don’t know whether you have wasted your life pursuing things that ended up not fulfilling your desire of success, love and peace of mind and you are too scared that time has gone by and that little voice is telling you that you are too late, God only uses those who started early, so you go back to that unfulfilling life that you are familiar with. I do not know if you are that person who started pursuing Christ and it got hard, you fell a couple times and you decided to never look behind your fall and continue drowning because the voice you heard when you tried to lift your head was telling you  they are going to laugh at you and call you a hypocrite….so you decide to keep your head in the water because that’s where those voices quietened. Whatever mess that you think you might have got yourself in and got you thinking that you are too far away from GOD.


Well I am here to say that Gods voice is not that of condemnation but that of conviction. The voice of condemnation(guilt) is from the enemy because he uses it to torment and tear you down. To hurt your TRUE identity, that you are a child of God. The voice of guilt makes us wallow in our sins but God’s voice of conviction pushes us to repentance and freedom .Guilt leads us to bondage. With guilt larking on your throat like a hot potato, am afraid that you are not receiving the forgiveness that you were freely given and therefore not living in freedom. Conviction gets you to swallow that potato, receive your forgiveness and walk in freedom. Conviction is Godly because it makes you want to repent and acknowledge that you need Him and you cannot continue to do you the way you used to. Condemnation wants you to have your head down and when it’s up, you justify your sin and don’t accept the forgiveness offered by God. Well the devil is happy to condemn you because he will have you in this cocoon where he controls your thoughts about yourself that affect how you feel and eventually your actions.
I read this somewhere, “If you are headed for the cross to find forgiveness then you are experiencing the conviction of the Holy Spirit. If you are running away from the cross and hiding away from God then it is Satan making you feel ashamed.” Guilt produces bad results while conviction from the Holy Spirit produces good results.
So baby girl/boy it DOES NOT MATTER. Because we are all ratchet and Jesus came for ALL of us. He came for me and you. HE CAME! And that is all that matters. It’s time to tell the devil ‘HUSH! TALK TO THE HAND! Because I am convicted, I have repented and I am forgiven and I will walk in that truth no matter what my friends say, what you say, what my family says or how the situation looks like. My mess, Christ has turned it into a message and you cannot take that away from me.’

You can never be too far from God. Stop building that wall! Stop feeding that guilt and do not ignore your healing! Do not walk into 2015 with guilt, stagnation, fear, and shame. He came to set you free! He came to save and not to condemn. (John 12; 47)He is faithful to forgive us. (1 John 1; 9).MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Love xxoo
@Msdorsila.

INTERNSHIP UPDATE.(Teacher Chronicles)

internshipI was so nervous and excited to go for my internship. It was crazy because it had been almost five years since I wore a skirt and I did not like how official trousers looked on me. But I think it was really exciting. I was ready for a new experience and a new adventure. Meeting new people, and especially the students. It was my very first time to teach a girls high school.
The first day that I reported to the school just to inquire, I got this negative vibe from the watch lady and I figured well, that’s just her and she is probably having a bad day. It only got worse because the rest of the people I met on the way were really not the warmest .This set me back and I regretted the fact that I was stuck there for almost three months. The only thing that encouraged me was that I had not met the students yet. And I was looking forward to that.
This almost three month internship opened my eyes to a lot like. Do I really want this job? Did God really call me here? Should I be somewhere else? Will I regret my choice? Will I one day end up tormenting students because of my dislike for my job? Will discontentment consume me? These questions and so much more lingered each day that I rode on that noisy umoinner to work. Getting a glimpse at the teacher’s salary slip, threw me off balance. I thought to myself, “don’t be vain Dorsilla’ But the reality of the issue was that I was scared that that salary slip will one day be mine and it will not be enough. It is a reality that teachers today do not pay much attention to the students because they are busy looking for other jobs and better investments. This made me sad.
Acknowledging this really scares me .But each time I enter into a classroom, I light up. Looking right into the eyes of those kids and knowing that I can be a vessel used to change how they look at life, it excites me and scares me at the same time. How their faces light up when I tell them something new. Wow! I literally lived for the days they asked for advice and encouragement. It was ALL my pleasure to do so. For the days I reassured them of how beautiful, brave and smart they were. I knew God placed me there. I fell in love. School to me is not about results only as this society puts it. What’s the point of the results if they are dealing with suicidal thoughts, believe they are not worth a thing, hate themselves, have no hope, believe that a man will fulfil each of their needs at the price of their innocence. School is and should be more. Results do not deal with these issues. An educator seeks to inspire change, and encourage learning to see transformation. The thing is transformation may not be seen immediately. It’s a process.
So what about that salary slip? This job really puts me at a place where I really need to trust God with my life. He has a record of always taking care of me and why should He stop? It’s a daily struggle, but I know God is setting me up for so much more. I need to trust Him, because my greatest investment as a teacher is in the students. I need to be faithful with the little things first.
I remember making it my responsibility to guide, advice, encourage and motivate the girls. I did this very secretly because I did not want anyone to know that I was not being faithful to the syllabus. So i asked for questions in one class about anything that they wanted answers to or guidance, of course with the promise that I will not read them aloud in the staffroom. Those questions were so deep and most of them heart breaking. I made it my responsibility to try and tackle the questions and just encourage and inspire at least one girl. But Before I did this, I really shied away from doing this because I did not want anyone to know that that was how much I cared or that was where my heart was BUT God kept on tugging on my heart to go ahead and do what He sent me there to do. Of course I got glances that were not so warm, others said I was not qualified and most just did not understand. But I realized that it was not their place to understand, qualify or approve. God put it on my heart to do it and not them. I believed that it would help them and a seed had to be planted.
To wrap this up, look at Noah, he was given a task by God to fulfil and I believe that this task was the purpose of his life. He was warned of things NOT SEEN (flood) and in HOLY FEAR (In reverence towards God, acknowledging the sovereignty of God and His immeasurable power), he went on ahead and did what God had asked him to do. Were there nay sayers? YES .But because he realized that it is not about him and what other people are saying, we all know he built that ark. By his faith he condemned the world and was considered righteous. So when God asks you to do something or go somewhere, baby girl it is not about you, how you feel or what people are saying. That ark was Noah’s purpose and he was used to save the world, to tackle an issue, to provide as solution. He did not carry everyone in that ark .So in living and fulfilling your purpose, I learnt:
a) You cannot carry everyone in your journey.
b) You cannot be friends with the world. Remember, you are in it and not of it.
c) You need to step out in Holy fear of the Lord. Not about you. OBEDIENCE!!!Faith in Action.
d) You need to know that your purpose is an ANSWER to this world, it is LIGHT in this darkness, a HOPE and a SOLUTION. A lot is at stake.
e) Your greatest reward is in HEAVEN! God is faithful. His intentions towards you are good. TRUST Him!
f) FAITH is your greatest weapon!
Some people are so convinced that they are living it up in this dark world. Equating purpose to the amount of money in their accounts. Without God there is NO purpose. Some even use the hashtag #Godspeed when it was never God who put them there in the first place and are not about kingdom business. Purpose gives meaning to your money and not the other way around. Seek the Lord and trust Him with your life. Forget the world, it is not and will never be our inheritance. #babysteps.
Thanks for dropping by! Feel free to ask questions, comment, and just share your thoughts and most importantly give God a chance!
xoxo
@msdorsila.Watch out for the next post on #WhatNots

HOW AM I DOING? Single Life,Internship&What not’s!

Integrity e.t.c) Because I know what I do not want, I clearly know what I want, need and can easily spot it. I know I do not need no drama in my life (flips hair lol) because of dating a guy

@Msdorsila Ogola

I think it is really important to ask oneself this question and just try not to front. The greatest lies we tell are those we tell ourselves. Trying to hide from what is really going on with us. Sometimes the answer to this question may not be appealing at all, but on the contrary betrays the perfect little smiles on our faces and it is only easier not to answer it. But change, healing and growth starts from the courageous effort of accepting where we are and soldiering on from there.
SO,
How am I doing?
Well, generally the past few months have not really been the easiest. I think I have been most worried, scared and probably exhausted. I have had to deal with people, questions and situations that are completely new to me. These past few months kind of shadowed and gave me a heads up on what…

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